For all that could have been, and all that will not be.

I have, today, been shaken my the news of a terrible accident that took the life of someone I knew.

She gave me a few classes, I was not a friend. I only knew her in one of her workspaces. Not even her primary workspace. She was a stuntwoman above everything else, and I never had the pleasure of working with her on that. But she gave me a few classes, and she was there every now and then in the XMA HQ. I barely knew her, but when you go to a place often enough, you end up getting glimpses of the others there. I knew she drove a bike, she had the helmet and all, I never saw her bike thou. I heard about the jobs she was trying to get, the jobs she had just done. I'm sure there were a bunch of other jobs I didn't know about. I picked up quite fast that she was a funny gal. She was nice and had a sweet smile, even when I didn't trust her to spot me (I mean, she looked so small and fragile - sexist, me?).

It was a scary moment, for me, when I went to XMA and saw a notice in the door telling us there would be no classes 'cause of the passing of one of the staff members. I just stood looking at the door for a minute, trying to decide what to do. First, the notice didn't mention who it was, and I just *had* to know, and I knew I wasn't coming home any soon to check on my email or facebook or whatever and I sure didn't want to stay ignorant on who it was for long. The only person on my cell phone that is from XMA is one other staff member (and thank god I saved his number. I usually just keep the cards or the emails- a bad habit from when I was 24/7 on the internet), and I looked at my phone for a sec before deciding to text him. I did not want to disturb anyone's mourning, but I *had* to know who it was. I would not keep with the rest of my daily activities normally without at least knowing who and how. My mind would travel through too many possibilities.

As humans, we tend to connect what we are experiencing with similar past experiences. And I started remembering all the dead. I did not know they were this many, perhaps I am growing too old (despite the world still seeing me as young). I had been in only one funeral so far, thou. I wonder if it scared me away from all the others. I was just a small kid, I didn't even knew how to read, and I remember worrying about my lack of tears. My mom refused to go near the coffin but I wanted to see my teacher once more, and I approached the coffin with a friend and I saw her lying down. I barely remember what she looked like now, but i remember I saw a tear drop down on her face and I looked up and saw this other person (another teacher) crying, quietly. And I wondered why I didn't have any tears.

I do cry, nowadays. Not in front of other people, usually. But I do. God, I even cry in movies now (it happened twice! Rare moments when my heart defrosted.)

Do notice this blog is for myself - I doubt I even have a reader, so I digress freely.

I remember the death of people I had lost touch for ages before getting the news. And I remember the death of people I barely knew. It's what memory I can keep of them, there is no way of getting closer to them anymore. Which makes me think that I need to be more open with people. I'm not particularly friendly.

I do not open up to small talk, I do not call my friends over *just to hang out*. I rarely do call my friends. Fact, I do not *have* many friends in this country, which makes me more introverted here I suppose. But isn't that like, a vicious cycle? I don't have friend, so I'm more introverted, which renders me with not so many friends which keeps me introverted and so on.